Photo by distinguished NC photographer Alan Ostmann
Tears came like a flood that day I refused to be ready for. My precious mom had been promoted to Heaven. She had died peacefully in her sleep in our home. Thank God for that miracle! She had been the rock of our family and the holy matriarch. She was the one who gave us all Godly counsel and maintained a sense of humor at the same time. At her memorial, one of her dear friends told the story of her telling the EMT’s who came to take her to the hospital after falling, “My you guys have such tight buns!” OMG!!! She always knew there was a time to laugh! She was a spit fire! Betty Boop as she was called encouraged us as a faithful cheerleader. She cleverly called us out when we were drastically off base. But God was ready for her glory days to begin! This verse described my mom’s status: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2Timothy 4:7
Bittersweet were my mixed feelings of loss and gratitude that my beloved mom who had been a champion of faith was gone. I was happy that her pain and suffering was over. She had prayed boldly and fervently for our entire family and others. I was not happy she wasn’t going to be around to hang out with. I was happy she was at peace and home with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and all the saints. I could smile knowing she would probably volunteer to become the hospitality queen in Heaven organizing all kinds of celebrations! I was her daughter and caretaker for so many years so my attachment to her was great. I had lost a devoted mom and a dear friend who showed me: “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Galatians 5:6 The hole in my heart was enormous and I felt overwhelmed by it all! I desperately wanted a do-over to go back and revisit so many days and make them better for her! Who wants to part company from “a beloved gift from God!”
My cousin had invited me to come to Asheville, NC to work through my grief. I thought a change of scenery and new people would help accelerate my healing! Because I love nature so much I truly believed my healing would greatly improve. The lie I believed was that the same nagging feeling of loss would not travel with me! That was not the case. I had the same reoccurring feeling of loss but a beautiful environment as my motivation to reconcile it! Despite the odds, God as the master genius used the beauty of nature to help heal the ashes of my life! This scripture gave me reassurance of God’s comforting role for those grieving: “to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:3 A beloved family member generously funded my wild adventure, so I packed my bags and set off blazing a trail to the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains!
Me in front of the Biltmore House in Asheville, NC
The inviting wonderland of all, the Biltmore Estate, home of George and Edith Vanderbilt was where God planted me to work through my healing. My beloved cousin, Cherie Ostmann Behrens had graciously helped me to get a retail job at the 8,000 acre estate. Coming to work at this magical paradise was rejuvenating and uplifting! I was privileged to do prayer walks through formal rose gardens. Once three deer’s crossed my path as I drove through the estate. I also encountered stunning horses, sheep, Canadian geese, turkeys, cows, and farm animals. Meditating and seeking God in this Heavenly setting was awe-inspiring and therapeutic! “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” Isaiah 66:13a
I was radically aware that I now needed God to fill that earthquake hole in my heart with Himself. Nothing else would bring me peace or contentment! I had tried unsuccessfully to medicate with intense shopping therapy, organic muffins and romance movies. I now realized I had to build a stronger relationship with God to navigate the shifting waters ahead of me. I needed to spend more time just talking to God about everything. I needed to dig deep into the scriptures and not just go for a light dip in the scriptures! I needed to trade in my snorkel gear for scuba gear! My time to get more committed to God had begun! It was my time to step out of the boat and be fearless about my new venture. I now had to fully believe God was my lifesaver so I could safely step out of the boat! “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8
God directed me to study the Biblical book of Ruth as my first place to study for my healing. I had always thought the book of Ruth was all about romance and finding your true love. On the contrary, I found the book of Ruth was all about handling loss and rebuilding your life. Ruth was all in for God to intervene in her life after suffering the major loss of her husband. Ruth was a foreigner, a Moabite who chose to leave her homeland and follow her mother-in-law to Israel. Ruth made a decision to become better and not bitter after losing her husband. Ruth adopted a new faith in God to help her move forward in life. Ruth resolved to do whatever she could to help herself and her mother-in-law survive a new place. Ruth was not above going in the fields gathering up the left overs so she could put food on their table. Humility became a lifestyle for Ruth. Ruth selected an optimistic and positive approach to life rather than a fearful or regretful one. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Ruth was willing and open to new possibilities and hopeful they would come to pass. Ruth made a decision early on to capitalize on what she had and not on what she didn’t have. Cling to this verse: “hold on to the good.” 1Thessalonians 5:21b as Ruth did as a way of fulfilling life. Boaz, a handsome and wealthy landowner took note of her selfless and faithful lifestyle and said to her: “May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." Ruth 2:12 My prayer is that you would take refuge under God’s wings and let him direct your healing! God wants to take your massive hole and fill it up with hope, that does not disappoint. God wants you to discover you have an incredible purpose as you are wonderfully made to shine His Light!
For a courageous and liberating journey from tragedy to triumph, I highly recommend “180 Your Life” A Woman’s Grief Guide by Mishael Porembski.
This book is uniquely heartwarming and practical. You will soar above the storm of grief and fan into flame your life’s mission. It is a must read for any woman dealing with grief!
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